via TJC
There is an old saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but too much makes it wander.”
In a week where we are talking about sex we have to land on the subject of how should I
respond when I am not having sex as much as I want? I’m going to talk about this within the
context of marriage. And I’m not really talking about the situation where I want sex three times
a week and she only wants it once or twice.
Many of us have been deployed in the military or had other circumstances where we are
physically separated from our spouses for several months. Others of us have walked through
difficult times in our relationships, where we are living together in the same room but miles
apart emotionally, and lack of sex is both a cause and effect. I was separated from my wife due
to our marital issues for over two years, and stayed faithful. In these situations it is hard to
make the best choice from what feels like a lot of bad or unfair options.
The selfish choice is to get your needs or wants met from somebody else. Viewing sex as an
entitlement and intended for our own pleasure (not connection) will lead down this road.
Word of caution – where your body goes your heart will follow and you will likely be nailing the
coffin on your marriage and family down this path. A mentor once told me, “First you put your
eyes on it, then you put your hands on it, then you put your heart on it.”
Another path is to deny you have sexual desires and needs but this is equally as unhealthy. You
will create an enduring solution for a temporary problem that denies how we were created by
God. Very few of us were meant to be monks or nuns.
Where does that leave us? Embrace the reality and do the work to rebuild the trust where
intimacy grows. Get out of victim mode, stop whining about not having enough sex and focus
on your spouse’s needs instead of your own. Build trust and look at sex as a connection, not a
transaction where you should get more because you did X or earned it. Where there is trust,
sex is good. In the long run (sometimes what feels like way too long) it is worth it.
Daily Battle Order:
I haven’t met a guy that doesn’t want more sex, most of them married. And almost all of them viewing sex as a transaction. If you want better sex in your marriage eliminate plan B (both physically and mentally) and do the work to build connection and intimacy with plan A.
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