Note - TJC usually publishes five days a week. This topic is absolutely key to each of us, our marriages, and duh - the results of sex are our children and building our families. Therefore we published a full week. Today’s is especially long - but it recaps a lot from the week, and has two great videos. Make time to read and watch for your wife, children and yourself.
Have your kids, friends or family members ever told you and your wife, to go get a hotel room?
I hope so, because being frisky in your relationship and letting each other know that you are physically attracted to each other is a sign of a healthy thriving relationship. As long as you are not being obscene you should never feel reluctant or embarrassed to show your spouse public physical affection. (Appropriate Kissing, caressing, a playful pat on the butt, a wink or a playful touch)
It is also important for your children to see that appropriate physical affection is something to look forward to inside of a loving committed biblical relationship. In other words, kids shouldn't be brought up to be nuns and monks. They should know about Sex and see that it is good while understanding that it is something special that should be saved for marriage.
Sex is a necessary, non-optional part of a healthy marriage.
If you disagree with this statement, congratulations, you have just self-identified as not having a healthy marriage and/or being a victim of deception.
I've been married 24 going on 25 years in February. One of the greatest aspects of my marriage is our sex life. But after this many years of marriage our sex life has gone through many phases and has been in jeopardy many times.
Honeymoon phase- the time before children when you can't get enough of each other's body's and you are basically having sex all the time. Another way to say it; is the time before you have children.
Pregnancy Phase- Where you may think your wife is bi-polar. She will go from hands off while fighting morning and in some cases evening sickness to possibly changing into a nymphomaniac in the third trimester. Every woman's pregnancy is different but being pregnant is no reason to stop having sex. If you have a phobia about making love to your pregnant wife, you need to get over that. She needs to know that you find her attractive and reinforce your commitment to her. Especially when her hormones are all over the place and the enemy will come with all kinds of thoughts of insecurity.
Young Children phase- Your wife may still be nursing, babies may be waking up in the middle of the night, sleeping in your room and your wife may not want to disturb the baby. This is the time to hold your ground and protect your marriage. You must both deposit credits into the marriage piggy bank. You need sex as a man, but with all the responsibilities on your wife you have to find ways of putting credits in the marriage bank that lesson her load and give her the emotional space to submit to your needs. This is where the roles and responsibilities are not the same. It's easier for the wife because all she has to do is submit to your obvious needs but where you the leader have to step up, pay attention and find ways to show affection that will be well received and, pick up on where she needs you to carry more of the weight that is on her shoulders. (with my wife it was easy, she just needed to be noticed and appreciated. She didn't want me doing what she felt was her work while I was serving on active duty) Every woman is different so you have to #1 Care about the weight she is carrying that you can't, and #2 pay attention.
Post young children phase- life is starting to settle down. No more pregnancies, kids are in school and everyone is settling into their routines. During this phase your sex life can come under attack from many directions. You are probably well into a career or possibly changing careers and are trying to provide for your family so those pressures are mounting. If your wife is also in a career, she is probably trying to make up ground from when she was on maternity leave and competing with her colleagues that haven't lost time due to being absent with children. So work, being there for your kids' activities, additional responsibilities outside of work and kids like serving at church, or helping with older family members who may have health issues will place a lot of stress on your time. Stressors and time suckers are everywhere. This is where you and your wife have to be diligent, have clear positive and effective means of communication. This is where you as the man need to lead in your family. No woman is going to want and desire to submit to a husband that isn't aware of their needs and the needs of the family. Being the leader of your family is not a default given position. It is the position you were meant to have and you have to step up and be worthy of it. You have to be consistent, dependable, thoughtful, YOU HAVE to be PAYING ATTENTION to your wife, your finances, your children as individuals and as the leader you have to be paying attention to yourself and prioritizing your rest, health, friendships, nutrition, etc.... Your wife can support you and be a great help but it is not her responsibility, it is yours. So step up!
Empty nester- I am not here yet so maybe an empty nester will have some comments to post on this DBO page and help those of us in the Post young Children Phase prepare for the next. I imagine that in this phase you have more discretionary time and a threat might be either spending too much time together and grating on each other's nerves or going in separate directions and no longer prioritizing quality time together and growing apart or becoming indifferent. But I am pretty sure the same advice applies: Lead, Pay attention, and know your spouse - sowing into her at every chance so that she knows you care and is secure in that feeling. Every mature Godly Woman I have spoken to on this topic has agreed that there is nothing sexier in a man than when he is dependable, consistent and steps up to take responsibility well. That is the ultimate panty dropper!
To wrap up, the physical intimacy, the excitement of anticipation, and of course the release at the end of a good climax are reasons we "Men" love sex. But don't forget that God's design for sex was to support pair-bonding and commitment to raise children and provide a means for procreation and the blessing of generations to come. A woman's priority is not sex, it is finding and maintaining security for her and her offspring. Don't be selfish in sex. Find out how to pleasure your wife so that sex never becomes a chore she resents you for. If you are just starting out in your marriage you have to lead your wife in the commitment to care for and feed your marriage above everything else (Family, children, work, etc...). She will never follow you there if you don't first show her the way with your actions, not just your words. The priority in life is obedience to God, concern for your Marriage, concern for your Family (kids, siblings' parents at about the same level)and then concern for the rest of the world and your commitments to acting out your faith in the world.
Daily Battle Order:
Watch these two videos, first one with your wife and discuss
And then privately watch this one
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